Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
