I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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