I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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