I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
