Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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