ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
