And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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