you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
MIDGETS
????
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
