im six kinds of drunk right now
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
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Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
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I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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