dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
