She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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