God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
