Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
