My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...