I smell stomach acid.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
