if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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