What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
