i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
