What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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