i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's a naked man in my car right now.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
