Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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