i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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