I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
