Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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