The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think I am morally bankrupt
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He has the fingertips of a God
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
