God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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