Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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