Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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