I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
