Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
