Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
