I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
