In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize