what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
