I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
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Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
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honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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