I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
