Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize