Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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