I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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