The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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