12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
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Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
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He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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