He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
