checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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