Well apparently he's into motor boating.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
