Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
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Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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