my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
