We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
