then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
