Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
