You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
