Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
