I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
