you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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