You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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