I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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