How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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