You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
