Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
