I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
