Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
